This was something I wrote two weeks ago, on my way back home to Southern California for the weekend. I’m back now and so refreshed! To everyone who gave me the gift of their time, I’m very grateful! To those who stayed home and held down the fort, that goes double!
I’m on another plane, this time flying away from my family to go see my adopted ‘family of my heart’ for the next three days. It feels so strange to be going ‘home’ to a place that I lived in for thirteen of the most interesting years of my life. No one who is related to me by blood is there, but it’s home nonetheless. As happy as I am to revisit my familiar haunts, it is always disarming when things haven’t changed and I have, so much. Since leaving Southern California, my daughter has turned from a baby to a little girl, we started a thriving gym, I wrote a new book and had twin boys! I am definitely not the same person who left, so how is it even possible that the same restaurants with the same menus are still there? And they will be, of course, it’s only been two years, but still! It makes me realize that it would have been entirely possible for us to have stayed and that our lives, too, would have been indistinguishable from years gone by, save the passing of time. That thought scares me. Maybe because I love our crazy, changing chaotic lives so much. I’ve always had a fear of missing something along with a fear of letting things go. Those are not mutually compatible sentiments, and I’m not unaware that it can make me a little difficult to figure out. Part of me is just devastated that I left my support network behind. I can’t believe things are going on without me and every time I go home, I want to stay forever. Another part doesn’t understand how anyone can stay still in the same town, city, state for years on end. I feel like I’ve hurt people by leaving them behind, even though in my heart I’m not leaving and I really do expect to hold on to all these relationships as though nothing has changed. Except of course things do change. Kind of like that movie Interstellar, where every second the traveler stays away, the people behind age a year, so a 5 minute stop changes everything. That’s what moving is like. But today, I am just going to revel in the familiar comfort of my loving friends who have been there for me through the darkest and brightest times of my life.