Today I lost it. During family chapel in preschool I found myself in the HORRIFYING position of fighting tears…and losing…
Now, we all have stress and we all have pressure and I know without a doubt that I am blessed beyond measure (hey, that rhymes…)…BUT…today I just couldn’t hold it together.
Much of it is work stuff…it’s an anniversary of being laid off and even though I LOVE my coaching and consulting business, and I am adamant that resentments kill me, I struggle at times with circumstances surrounding this. AND I’m changing my business model, and that’s exciting but scary. Of course, the biggest challenges is trying just to FIT IT ALL IN!!! Especially in our current circumstances where EVERYTHING demands the one thing I don’t have (besides money, of course)…TIME!! I actually found myself envying moms who get to take their kids to daycare every day and feeling sorry that we couldn’t afford to do that if I changed my mind about the whole ‘being there with my kids’ thing.
I keep telling myself if only I had more TIME…I could get more done, and be more patient, and my kids wouldn’t be the worst behaved ones in the room and my oldest wouldn’t monopolize every conversation in a desperate bid for attention at all times.
Just last week, Bisky and I went on a special trip to visit Grandma, at which time she informed me that her ‘bucket is always empty and she wishes she never had brothers’ and can’t I leave the babies at Aunty Amy’s house forever? That little guilt-sword notwithstanding, she was a perfect angel while we were gone, other than refusing to talk to or about the twins. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dreamy and the boys also did wonderfully! The twins played together beautifully, hardly fought at all and basically weren’t batpoop crazy all day long. Dreamy and I got the chance to actually talk to each other (on Facetime but still) and I felt more connected to him than in a long time and SO in love!
This was just what I needed, I thought! Just a little break, and now I’m refreshed, and recharged and ready to be around my kids without feeling like all I want to do is yell at them and/or hide. And then on the way home, Bisky proceeded to get violently ill halfway there so I had to drive for three hours sitting in a puddle of vomit. I swear I wasn’t home for even twenty minutes before everything was in the exact same, miserable state of chaos it was when we left! I seriously considered if we ought not consider living separately for a few years; just because it seemed like it went so much better! And it kept getting worse!! Bisky was up for the last two nights with croup, which basically means she’s coughing from 11:30 pm to 4:00 am. And then there was the night of the #NoBen where he pretty much managed to do 1,000 bad things in one hour. Not to mention, my sweet little Aiden has turned devious and is now LYING about things to get the other two in trouble. For example “Ben bited me” when Ben is nowhere near!
I love my kids so much, and am so grateful for them and also I have realized that they have made it their mission in life to fight, scream and destroy everything in sight the second I take charge of them.(They’re great for everyone else. Well, maybe great is a stretch. I did hear Bisky getting
time out yesterday, but only a couple.)
And they made me cry in preschool today.
Here’s the scene. Were were in family chapel, and I was trying to control #NoBen and Aiden and Grace with absolutely NO success. Everyone was crawling around, yodeling (literally…YODELYODELYODELYODEL, laying on the ground, squirming under chairs etc. I was getting ‘the LOOK’ from other parents, and rightly so. (Side note…it is not lost on me that all this is stuff I used to TOTALLY judge other people for…Jesus wasn’t joking about the whole ‘Judge not’ thing…right back atcha sister!!) I felt myself growing smaller, and smaller, and smaller and just couldn’t stop thinking “this is not going to get any better for a very long time”. And all of a sudden, I was crying. Not even little unnoticeable tears either. One of the nice dads patted me on the arm, so I had to leave immediately with the boys and stand in the back with the other shamed mommies.
And because our preschool is wonderful, Grace’s teacher gave me a big hug and affirmed me, and the other administrators did too, which in the short term made me ugly-cry all over myself, but I guess that’s what I needed because I’m not crying anymore. And probably what helped the most is talking to another Mom and hearing that her 4 ½ year old is also tormenting the living s*&t out of her 2 ½ year old, and that everybody fights when they’re all in the same room. It doesn’t make any logical sense that another’s family misery makes mine more bearable but there you go, and that’s kind of why I’m writing about this.
So the moral of the story is…
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, and like you’re doing it all wrong and that this whole mom/job/whatever thing is WAY too hard…it is…but we will survive. Probably. Reach out and share your stories!
And whatever you do…watch out who you’re judging because if you’re not careful you might just end up with TWINS one day…just sayin’