As you know, I have been impatient, foul-mouthed, messy, short-tempered and judgmental of slow-walkers in the shopping stores for most if not all of 2016. I will remind you, Santa, that I have twin 2 ½ year old boys and a 4 ½ year old daughter and suggest that instead of coal, I perhaps deserve a hero badge for simply surviving. And Santa, I know in previous years, I have perhaps been a little demanding when I requested winning the PowerBall, or a getting a self-cleaning car for Christmas, I think this year my list is modest and will really help everyone in perhaps the world. Let me explain.
First, I would really, really, really like my latest novel Hope, Unlimited, to be published by someone other than me. I will do it myself if I must, and I have learned a lot these last few years about marketing, but it will definitely make me feel more like a ‘real’ writer if someone in the publishing industry validates me. I know, Santa, what you’re going to say, that I shouldn’t need the validation of others to make me feel good about myself. You said that the year before last when I asked to be able to eat whatever I wanted and still look skinny. And I got the message, but it’s been my dream since I was a wee lassie to be a published author so this would be a great gift. How does it help the world, you ask? Simple. A) it’s a freaking phenomenal book and B) well, I haven’t thought of B yet, but if I’m ever going to make even a modest salary as a writer we have to start somewhere, right? Great! I’m glad we’re on the same page.
Now for number two. Santa, do you realize I have not had ONE good night’s sleep in over five years now? Not one. It’s making me a little crazy, and possibly fat so we really need to get this fixed. I need everyone to go to bed BY THEMSELVES by 7:30 and sleep until at least 6:00 am. Consistently. If you do this, I will give you naked pictures of Dreamy. Just kidding. But please. PLEASE. If I get this gift, the world will be a better place because if I’m well rested, I will definitely stop judging people and being cranky and we all know about the butterfly effect. It’s completely possible that the fate of the world might actually rest on this, Santa, so ante up.
My third request is up to you. If you get me the first two, I’ll make do happily, but it sure would be nice to have Frick and Frack potty trained immediately. I mean come on, they’ll be three in April. This means I have also been changing diapers non-stop for nearly five years. And yes, I know that nobody forced me to have all these kids, and I love them to pieces, I really do. But we’re SO CLOSE. #NoBen is almost there and once he gets it I’m sure he’ll consent to wearing clothes again on a regular basis. And #AidenStopThat
will follow suit – especially if cookies are involved. Please, Santa. Just think about it.
That’s all I want, I swear. I will leave world peace and no-calorie chocolate to better minds than mine, but if you could just give me those three things, I will be good, and kind, and perfect forever! At least, I’ll try. Pinkie swear. Thanks, and say hi to Rudolph for me!